Keeping the Romance Alive: It’s Not Ok to Fart in Front of your Lover!

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Embarrassing moments have a way of haunting our psyches forever.  Almost 20 years ago, when I first started dating my now ex-husband, we were snuggling in my bed, watching a movie, when he started to playfully tickle me.  The playful tickling got a little more aggressive until I was writhing and squealing so strenuously that the unimaginable happened: I farted… loudly… he noticed. I was mortified, but he, of course, thought it was hysterically funny so wouldn’t/ couldn’t drop the subject and pretend like it had never happened (as I was fervently praying he would).  Instead, he used my unfortunate slip to initiate the conversation about “Breaking the Barrier” in our relationship, and from that moment on, even though I don’t think I ever farted in front of him again, he gave himself permission to pass gas at will. And boy, did he take advantage of that.

Farts are natural. Farts are unavoidable. Farts are funny. Farts are also uncontrollable sometimes.  I get that.  But, there’s also a reason why, as a society, we’ve been taught that there are appropriate times and places to fully relax, and times and places where good manners are key.  So, I maintain that it’s not ok to fart in front of your lover purposely, indiscriminately, and tactlessly.

When we first start dating, we are always on our best behavior, not only because this is what is expected of us in civilized society, but because we are trying to impress the object of our desire.  I posit that one of the reasons why our divorce rates are so high is because we lose that impetus to impress our lovers.  We take them for granted. We disrespect them. We fart on them.

Imagine, if you will, that the man who you’ve been living with for the last 5 years took pains to be polite around you all the time.  What if he didn’t stand in front of the refrigerator in pee-stained boxer shorts scratching his belly? What if he didn’t bellow at you from the sofa with his hands down the front of his pants asking you to bring him another beer? What if he didn’t leave his nose hair clippings in the bathroom sink? What if he didn’t silently fart under the covers and then fan the comforter in your face so that his particular aroma wafted straight up your nostrils?

Gentlemen, what if your lady stopped regularly squatting on the toilet with the bathroom door open? What if she didn’t schlep around the house on a Sunday morning wearing fuzzy bunny slippers and a terry cloth bathrobe with used tissues in the pockets? What if you didn’t have to watch her drape a towel around her shoulders and massage a bottle of rust-colored, ammonia-odored dye into her hair and scalp every month or three? What if she didn’t floss her teeth in bed just before she kissed you goodnight?

Now, don’t get me wrong… I’m not suggesting that we return to the days where Dads pace hospital corridors while their babies are born and only see Mom once she’s been made up and put in a frilly nighty.  But, I don’t see anything wrong with taking care of your hygienic needs privately, or excusing yourself to another room if your body needs to release some pressure. I also don’t see anything wrong with trying to ensure your partners comfort and happiness however you might do so. When one partner deliberately tries to gross the other out, while it may seem funny from the outside perspective, what it is, in actuality, is mean and disrespectful behavior.

Case in point: my ex-husband didn’t stop at just farting on me whenever he had the chance. He also knew that I have a major aversion to mucus; in fact I’m gagging right now just from typing the word. … so, naturally, he got a tremendous amount of pleasure at showing me what his sinuses had produced and blown into tissues, furiously attempting to goad me into puking. One time, he chased me around the parking lot at Target with one such specimen, laughing hysterically as my eyes watered from dry-heaving relentlessly. Now, I understand if some of you are laughing at this now… I’m telling it somewhat lightheartedly after all, but, let me tell you, I was PISSED OFF when it happened.  I felt like he was enjoying my pain. That’s sadism; not love- and just one example of a pattern of disrespect that continued to degenerate until our eventual divorce.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing if, when we’re in a long term relationship, we continued to treat each other the way we did when we were first dating? Maybe that joyous “falling in love” feeling wouldn’t be so fleeting. Similarly, if we kept up the efforts we took to look good in front of our partners (really, would you have been caught dead with unshaved pits and wearing granny panties the first time you took your guy to bed?) even after we’ve been together forever, maybe that sexy spark wouldn’t be so difficult to rekindle. Maybe the key to successful relationships is as simple as realizing that it’s not ok to fart on your lover…

After all, I’ve never heard of anyone suing for divorce because their spouse was too polite and considerate.

32 thoughts on “Keeping the Romance Alive: It’s Not Ok to Fart in Front of your Lover!

  1. What a well thought out, well written article. I was thinking along these lines the other day. Don’t take my wife for granted…she is amazing and deserves respect.

  2. Pingback: FART-ners for Life? (part 2) | sexgonewrong

  3. Pingback: FART-ners for Life? (part 3) | sexgonewrong

  4. Pingback: It's Not Ok to Fart in Front of Your Lover by @JillianDates - Singles Warehouse

  5. ya well I am on your side here. I cannot deal with anything foul. in fact when my boys where young I wore a mask in order to change them… ha. and have broke one relationship due to cleanliness. (house wise) nicely written

  6. My SO and I sometimes fart in each other’s company. It’s unavoidable especially when you dont know its coming or said person is asleep…. lol anyways, I take it as us being comfortable with who we are, good, bad and….smelly lol Of course, I do dress up when we go out to eat or just take a walk because I want to look good, for myself and for him. I know more about him than his best friends and I trust him with my life. It’s okay to fart in front of each other once in a while, just don’t take each other for granted. When we do silly things together, we are best friends, not just lovers.

  7. I hate the whole “but it hurts to hold it in” – if you can restrain at work all day and in public, then you don’t have to be a gross pig around me. I understand when someone is in bed they are not going to go in another room…but there are ways to be discreet. I too find it disrespectful when someone tries to fart as obnoxiously loud as possible. My ex said he should be able to relax in his own home. Well, to all the grown men out there that continue to make a scene every time you need to pass gas – it reminds us women of a 13 yr. old boy who thinks farts are so hilarious. I do not want to be dating a teenager.

  8. In my opinion…If you can’t let one loose in your own home and be yourself where else can you do it..,.it’s not about acting rude, disrespectful and immature…… it’s about being comfortable….if you married that person who farts I’m pretty sure you knew what you was getting yourself into…..you love them for everything that they are the good and the not so good (farting)…..why commit to that person and complain afterwards to something so minor (farting) that happens probably behind close doors just between the two if you….and I don’t get the part about taking your wife for granted…….. Maybe before getting married the issue of farting should have been brought up….then who knows what might have happened…..

    • Thanks for your thoughts LL. You’re right, I did know what I was getting into when I married him. However, the point of my piece is not so much about the “fart” itself, but about intentionally trying to gross your lover out and how that is disrespectful. I’m all for comfort and being yourself in a relationship, but, I stand by my assertion that it’s not ok to fart in front of your lover if your intention is to upset them by doing so.

      • Thanks for your reply…….. I agree with you….. if you do it more than once to gross out your other half then it is wrong…..when you guys were dating did you let him know farting in front if you grosses you out and asked him to stop?

      • You know LL, I did, but probably not very effectively. It wouldn’t have mattered… he thought trying to make me vomit was funny. That’s the real point- he didn’t have my best interests in mind in so many ways in our relationship. Thanks again for your thoughts.

    • LL
      You must have a decent spouse. I feel people should be able to relax in their own home and do not need to excuse themselves to another room. It is when someone is disgusting about it. Everyone knows there are ways to be discreet. To do this right next to someone in their space is down right disgusting. It is a deal breaker for me and I will be sure to bring up this issue with next person I am dating. To waste a couple of years into dating someone, only to find out they are willing to be so disrespectful is a shame. I am not a fartaphobe at all and don’t mind hearing someone on the next couch do it…..but to be as loud as possible is gross. Or to fart and then start heading my way is sick too. You don’t know how tempted I was to fart in my ex’s face while he was sleeping just to get back. I feared that would only start a farting war though.

  9. Its so sad that you will let farts and buggers affect your relationship. There is real issues like selfishness and infidelity or verbal and phisical abuse to worry about. Men ussually eat more then women and there fore get more gas. Also everyones bodies react diferent and some people suffer from gas problems. I am trully glad you dont. Gas can be very painfull and yes you can hold them in in public but like i said it is painful. But once a man gets home or in his car its his chance to releave the pain. If the spouse is there he should roll down the window at least. You have to understand that the gas does not come on comand. It is there and it gives you a small window to release. But if u hold it it will go back up and the pain is still there but u have to wait for that window of oportunity that your body gives you to be able to release. I have been at family meetings listening to someone talk and holding it in and not even able to concentrate on what they are saying because of the pain. As soon as i get a chance to excuse my self and have to make up a story like im going to the bathroom or to get something from the car i take it. But once i get there the gas goes back up and it wont come out so i wait five minutes and nothing than i go back to the meeting and my body wants to let it out again but i have to hold it and deal with the pain.when i get home i want that nightmare to end so if my spouse can deal with the sound of a fart(because they dont always smell) but even when they do if she will ratger me go trhough pain than smell something bad than that is not love. Instead you should think about wether this man takes care of you emotionally. Does he do his best to provide and does he show you love. Not if he has gas problems. You cant lay down in bed and get up 20 times in one hour to go to the other room and try to fart only to find out ur fart window has closed than as you come back to bed the window opens again and you have to run back out. It sounds funny but its true im not exagerating. Your ex husband laughed cause tgats all he could do he couldnt controll the situation. Trust me no one likes to fart and no one can fart on comand. And gas is pain. Dont gudge your romantic relationships on farts and buggers. Tgats probably why he chased you arround with his buggers. Because he couldnt understand why it was so serious to you. No where in the bible does it talk about farts and buggers. It talks about love for one another and forgiveness. God bless you.

  10. I think a person can tell if someone is doing it intentionally to bother you (especially if they know it bothers you) or if they just can’t hold it in. You can tell by the way they react. If they don’t even attempt to say “excuse me” when they know it they bothers you, then they are intentionally trying to bother you; either that or they truly have no manners, neither of which is attractive or appealing.

  11. Those days, when dads paced in the hospital corridors and only saw mom when she was all made up? Those were the days when 1/2 of all marriages didn’t end in divorce–and twice the percentage of the under-30 population got married. These days, the bra-burners got what they wanted. A society that lets mustached, overweight mommies showered twice a weak, fart in front of their husbands and think they’re still perfect princesses who deserve 50% of the nest despite living like a Kardashian instead of going to college or pursuing an honest career. Men? If they’re not the flowered diaper bag carrying pussies that are castrated as soon as the band is slipped over their finger, then they’re the never-get-married-fucking-ever “metro sexual” men living a life filled with casual/protected sex and blowjobs.

    Men rule the world, you get marriages, husbands with big forearms and shoulders that wear suits 7 days a week and bring home the bacon. Women take the head of society, you get bitch tits, a gut, a flower-print diaper bag and a farter. Congrats, you wanted to castrate men, and you did. Was it so bad to have dinner on the table at 7 and put some makeup on before your man came home?

  12. If this is the society we’re going to live in, I’m never getting married. I’m in a 10-year relationship. I’m 26. It’s already going south.

    Monogamy is an invention created by female dominated societies with democratic governments. Wake up. The only time it has every worked, is when men were treated halfway decently as husbands and were marrying women 10-20 years their junior. People life longer, now, marriages are a terrible deal to begin with, and menopause is a terrible deal for all involved.

    American men die in wars or from heart attacks well before women die. The majority of the voting population is female, and the majority of people who actually have the time to vote are stay-at-home moms, middle-aged women and the unemployed.

    Marriage started declining as soon as women started voting. Now looking back, all of these “improvements” have basically destroyed marriage and left young women single and/or pregnant and single without a wedding band

    Anyway, all of these changes…What do they mean? They mean no more marriages that favor men. These new 100% monogamous marriages heavily favor women. Because it essentially means a woman and her children end up owning a slave.

    The contract used to be a decent-enough deal for men. Now, it’s a terrible one. Why would they willingly hop into a marriage that guarantees that their wife gains at least 10 pounds in the first 5 years, lets herself go, and relegates him to a life in fringe-middle-class poverty? The only way out is divorce, and divorce means absolute poverty for men. And marriage means no sex, or sex with some androgenous mom that is out of estrogen and gaping by year-5. Fuck that, are you crazy?

    • I can sense your pain and I’m sorry that you’re hurting. However, I cannot corroborate your claim that monogamy was created by women to try trap men into sexless, unhappy marriages. Biologically, monogamy makes sense. End of story.

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