Most of you know already that I’ve been writing for Singles Warehouse Online Dating for a few months now. Well, they are running a contest (which I really, really, really want to win) for the article during March and April that receives the most comments. If you could pop over and leave me some love at:
Embarrassing moments have a way of haunting our psyches forever. Almost 20 years ago, when I first started dating my now ex-husband, we were snuggling in my bed, watching a movie, when he started to playfully tickle me. The playful tickling got a little more aggressive until I was writhing and squealing so strenuously that the unimaginable happened: I farted… loudly… he noticed. I was mortified, but he, of course, thought it was hysterically funny so wouldn’t/ couldn’t drop the subject and pretend like it had never happened (as I was fervently praying he would). Instead, he used my unfortunate slip to initiate the conversation about “Breaking the Barrier” in our relationship, and from that moment on, even though I don’t think I ever farted in front of him again, he gave himself permission to pass gas at will. And boy, did he take advantage of that.
Farts are natural. Farts are unavoidable. Farts are funny. Farts are also uncontrollable sometimes. I get that. But, there’s also a reason why, as a society, we’ve been taught that there are appropriate times and places to fully relax, and times and places where good manners are key. So, I maintain that it’s not ok to fart in front of your lover purposely, indiscriminately, and tactlessly.
When we first start dating, we are always on our best behavior, not only because this is what is expected of us in civilized society, but because we are trying to impress the object of our desire. I posit that one of the reasons why our divorce rates are so high is because we lose that impetus to impress our lovers. We take them for granted. We disrespect them. We fart on them.
Imagine, if you will, that the man who you’ve been living with for the last 5 years took pains to be polite around you all the time. What if he didn’t stand in front of the refrigerator in pee-stained boxer shorts scratching his belly? What if he didn’t bellow at you from the sofa with his hands down the front of his pants asking you to bring him another beer? What if he didn’t leave his nose hair clippings in the bathroom sink? What if he didn’t silently fart under the covers and then fan the comforter in your face so that his particular aroma wafted straight up your nostrils?
Gentlemen, what if your lady stopped regularly squatting on the toilet with the bathroom door open? What if she didn’t schlep around the house on a Sunday morning wearing fuzzy bunny slippers and a terry cloth bathrobe with used tissues in the pockets? What if you didn’t have to watch her drape a towel around her shoulders and massage a bottle of rust-colored, ammonia-odored dye into her hair and scalp every month or three? What if she didn’t floss her teeth in bed just before she kissed you goodnight?
Now, don’t get me wrong… I’m not suggesting that we return to the days where Dads pace hospital corridors while their babies are born and only see Mom once she’s been made up and put in a frilly nighty. But, I don’t see anything wrong with taking care of your hygienic needs privately, or excusing yourself to another room if your body needs to release some pressure. I also don’t see anything wrong with trying to ensure your partners comfort and happiness however you might do so. When one partner deliberately tries to gross the other out, while it may seem funny from the outside perspective, what it is, in actuality, is mean and disrespectful behavior.
Case in point: my ex-husband didn’t stop at just farting on me whenever he had the chance. He also knew that I have a major aversion to mucus; in fact I’m gagging right now just from typing the word. … so, naturally, he got a tremendous amount of pleasure at showing me what his sinuses had produced and blown into tissues, furiously attempting to goad me into puking. One time, he chased me around the parking lot at Target with one such specimen, laughing hysterically as my eyes watered from dry-heaving relentlessly. Now, I understand if some of you are laughing at this now… I’m telling it somewhat lightheartedly after all, but, let me tell you, I was PISSED OFF when it happened. I felt like he was enjoying my pain. That’s sadism; not love- and just one example of a pattern of disrespect that continued to degenerate until our eventual divorce.
Wouldn’t it be refreshing if, when we’re in a long term relationship, we continued to treat each other the way we did when we were first dating? Maybe that joyous “falling in love” feeling wouldn’t be so fleeting. Similarly, if we kept up the efforts we took to look good in front of our partners (really, would you have been caught dead with unshaved pits and wearing granny panties the first time you took your guy to bed?) even after we’ve been together forever, maybe that sexy spark wouldn’t be so difficult to rekindle. Maybe the key to successful relationships is as simple as realizing that it’s not ok to fart on your lover…
After all, I’ve never heard of anyone suing for divorce because their spouse was too polite and considerate.
My last post, “Liar, Liar“, got me thinking about the scammers that I’ve come across in my on-line dating career. Not much feels worse than realizing someone has played you for a fool. The best defense against on-line scammers is preparation. See my post at Singles Warehouse Online Dating titled, “Liar, Liar: How to Avoid Being Fooled by a Fake Profile“. Be sure to click “like” to read the entire article and let me know that you stopped by!
If you haven’t seen my latest on Singles Warehouse Online Dating, you can find it here. Beauty Dates A Beast summarizes all the perks of dating a “beast” and answers the question, “Is She Really Going Out With Him?”
By now, most everyone has heard the “online- love- relationship- gone- bad” story of Notre Dame’s Manti Te’o. But, in case you’re like me and get all of your news from Facebook these days and you don’t know the saga, it goes something like this: man meets woman online, man falls in love with woman online without ever meeting her, man finds out that woman is fake, and is heartbroken. There are many more details to this bizarre story and I’m not going to take up space here recounting them, but, these “Catfish” stories make me feel simultaneously hopeful and hopeless about finding love in the digital world.
Let me explain…
In one sense, I’m encouraged that my search for a man, who is, in fact, looking for a serious relationship, could come to fruition someday. I mean, look at all of these poor people who fall in love sight unseen- sure, the people they’re in love with are fake, but the emotions are real. In other words, I’m choosing to look at the silver lining here- there ARE, in fact, people who would like to be in love, rather than just finding the next chick to hook up with.
On the other hand, it makes me feel utterly hopeless, because, it proves, once and for all, that people are capable of truly diabolical things. These “catfish” schemes only strengthen a sense of alienation between people that, when it gets deep enough, has the potential to create an environment ripe for people to cause each other unspeakable hurt.
It amazes me that, even at 40+ years, so many men (and women too) are still on the prowl for sex, and playing the game as if they were 23 years old. They state that they are looking for a serious relationship, take you out, act like a gentleman, take you out again- but the whole time they have no intent to get to know “you”. Instead, they are hell-bent on doing and saying whatever is necessary to make you feel comfortable enough to drop your panties for them, and once you do, they suddenly become “an emotional mess” or “not ready for commitment”. It’s false advertising, plain and simple. It’s illegal for businesses to do it, and it should be for people as well.
Those of us who are seriously on-line dating have to live with the consequences of these people who misrepresent themselves. Before very long, every single man that I’ve interacted with on-line has either been suspicious that I am not who I say I am in my profile, or I’ve developed a suspicion of them. This distrust has the very real potential to erode whatever chemistry has been building and kill the budding on-line relationship. Elvis said it best, “we can’t go on together, with suspicious minds”.
This sort of “suspicion baggage” almost caused me to cut off ties with an amazing man recently. I’d read so many scam warnings (beware of men who’s profile pics are too perfect; beware of men who won’t have a voice conversation with you; beware of men who are hesitant to meet/ cancel plans; beware of men who write too much/ write too little in their profiles; etc., etc., etc.), that this poor guy had to walk through a virtual minefield to get to me. Things came to head one night, when he needed to cancel plans we’d made to Skype because his Internet was down. I didn’t believe him and started to get a feeling of dread in my stomach and turned into Insta- Bitch; accusing him of playing games with me. To his credit, he professed his understanding of my concerns and sent me a picture of himself, holding a dated sign that said “Jillian is Awesome” in order to prove his “realness”. Needless to say, I felt foolish for doubting him, and then angry at these scammers who have planted these seeds of doubt in my mind.
So, while it’s definitely important to be cautious and keep yourself safe, treating someone with suspicion is a terrible way to encourage them to get to know you better. People do need to earn your full trust, but, they also deserve to be considered innocent until proven guilty. I’m glad this gentleman recognized my bitchiness for what it was; my defenses were fully deployed- and that he stuck around to see my walls come down (even if it’s just a few bricks at a time).
So, I guess I had more to say on the subject than I did when I wrote the Born Again Virgin, so I wrote a piece on the same topic for Singles Warehouse. I think the Born Again Virgin was one of my favorite posts to write so far and I like the version that I wrote as a #SWEXPERT too. Hope you enjoy them both!
So, you all know how I feel about the importance of communication when you’re trying to get to know someone better. I feel so passionately about this topic that I chose to write about it for my first post on Singles Warehouse as a SWEXPERT. I hope you enjoy it, and I’d love to hear your thoughts:
