Guest Post: Do we fall for the same guy over and over again? by The Dating Diary of a City Girl

I want to thank Dating Diary of a City Girl for agreeing to guest post here.  I hope you all enjoy her disasters!

Dating Diary of a City Girl 1

Whether you admit it or not, you probably fell for the same guy more than once! In most cases that guy changes name, eye color, hair color, height, face features… but you have to admit: it’s still the same guy over and over again! There is nothing wrong with finding attractive some specific qualities on someone’s character which repeatedly attract us… however, what if we follow an unhealthy pattern in men?…

I would describe my ‘guy pattern’ with one word: unavailable!! Over the past five years I fell in love with two guys, who shared that feature in common! Now you would think that 2 guys are not enough to describe a pattern… but if you think about it again, it’s 5 years of my life wasted on men that I knew would never have anything to offer to me but I still fell for them. Nick was the ‘initiation’ of my pattern ( see Can you fall in love with two people at the same time? and Do we need to change to be in a relationship?) I knew from the very first moment that he was unavailable: he was much older, way too wrong for me and later on he had a girlfriend as well. I never intended on having anything serious with him of course, but that didn’t stop me from falling in love. I spent 2 and a half years hooked on him, madly in love and of course ended up heartbroken. Not long after things ended with Nick, with my heart still not fully mended I fell for Mat (see Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you?) Now with Mat, the story goes a bit differently. When Mat first started flirting with me, I wasn’t very willing to start anything with him, so we stopped contact for a few months. When he suddenly got in a relationship it was like a project for me: I had to have him. I started seeing him again, but not with a serious purpose. I needed to show myself that I was better than his girlfriend and I could have him. I am ashamed for my behavior, but there was something insatiable about being with him while he was with someone else. Not long after that of course I fell in love with him and the rest of our messed-up situation can be found on the above mentioned articles.

Dating Diary of a City Girl 2

Somewhere between my heartbreak from Nick and finding out Mat was unavailable I suddenly realized my unhealthy pattern… unavailability! This is probably the worst pattern a woman can have in men: it is doomed before it even begins, it is unbelievably painful and ridiculously harsh on yourself as well. I put myself through the inexplicable, breath-taking pain of sharing my men and for what? For a stupid obsession, an outrageous ‘bet’ with myself: I can have something that I’m not meant to have! I never really understood what it was that attracted me on the unavailability of those two guys: was I so insecure that I desperately needed to prove myself that I could do it, or was I just so addicted to the exquisite pain that comes with loving someone so unavailable to me?  Even though to this day I cannot answer this question for myself, and even though I still feel my heart is broken from my break up with Mat I know that ‘unavailable’ is definitely not something I will ever go after again. As much as I need to prove myself that I’m good enough for unavailable guys to choose me, it’s more important that I realize that I deserve better than that and stop my pattern cold!

There you have it, my unhealthy, heartbreaking, ridiculous pattern. So if you think you have an unhealthy pattern, you better sit down take a piece of paper and write down what all your past lovers have in common, figure out your pattern and put a stop to it. These things sneak up on you and unless you realize them and do something about them, you will go through the same pain for the same reason and keep going through heartbreak after heartbreak without realizing what went wrong!

What’s your pattern? Do you have one that’s similar to mine? Did you ever try to stop it? Or alternatively, do you have a healthy pattern that you followed and found someone that’s just perfect for you? Comment and let me know. Also, don’t forget to like my facebook page for the latest updates!

The Lighter Side of Breaking Up

broken heart

Sixteen year old boys are not usually known for discussing their emotions with anyone- especially not their mother. So, I was pleasantly surprised when my son sent me a text message of a personal nature recently.  My son could be described as a late bloomer, and has just recently started dating a young lady.  They went to homecoming together, and, according to his text message to me, he kissed her there for the first time.  When I asked him how it was, his reply brought tears to my eyes: “better than ice cream”. My tears were not only for his innocent romanticism, but also because I can foresee the awful heartbreak that is inevitably coming his way.

Heartbreak sucks.  I remember my first like it was yesterday (see Dear Thirteen Year Old Me), and it still stings a bit to remember almost thirty years later.  The sad thing is that I know there is nothing I can do to prepare him for what is coming, just as I was unprepared to have my heart broken again recently (see Psycho-Chicks and the Men that Create Them). I know that break ups are part of life, and that enduring them is the only way to grow stronger, but, the mom in me knows that I’m going to have to be restrained from killing this girl when she hurts my boy. (Disclaimer in case she dies in some mysterious manner- I’m not guilty and I’m sure I have an alibi!)

But, break-ups don’t always have to be so awful.  Here, I list some of the not-so-heartbreaking reasons that my relationships have ended:

To read the rest, check out The Dating Diary of a City Girl: The Lighter Side of Breaking Up by Dating Disasters and Delights.

The Ten Best Cynical Dating Blogs

 

cynical dating blog

That’s right, friends! I got a really cool message today from Hayley at DatingAdvice.com:

Hi,

I wanted to give you a heads up that DatingAdvice.com has named you as one of the year’s “10 Best Cynical Dating Blogs,” and we mean this in the best way possible. :)

http://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/10-best-cynical-dating-blogs

The rankings were published this morning, and we’ll be promoting it on-site and through other social media channels over the coming days:

You have the bragging rights, so feel free to share the news on your blog and with your followers! Let me know if I can be of any help in promoting the news.

Have a great day,
Hayley

So spread the word! I’m famous! LOL.

Beautiful advice from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage

Dating Disasters and Delights:

Both of my sons have now entered the dating world. As a mom, I worry about broken hearts, but, as a woman, I hope I can pass along, to them, the lessons outlined by Gerald Rogers.

Originally posted on love story from the male perspective:

View original

Serendipity, Destiny, or Simply, “What the Fuck???”

GodzillaThis story begins almost 20 years ago, when I was a young, very naive, girl who was in the midst of being swept off of her feet by a charming, handsome, exciting, passionate man. “Kevin” would, slightly more than a year later, become my husband, (and 10 years after that, become my ex-husband), but, at the time that this story takes place, we were newly dating, but already firmly infatuated with one another.  I had met his family just a couple of days earlier, and I was leaving his house one night tingling with contentment after we’d just spent the evening watching movies, making out, and telling each other how much we loved one another.

As I started my car, another car pulled up alongside me with its passenger window rolled down, and a young man called out to me and asked if I was Kevin’s girlfriend.  I was totally startled- had this man been waiting for me to come outside?-  but blurted out that I was.  He told me that I should follow him to his girlfriend’s house, because she had some information to share with me that I really ought to know. Sick to my stomach with dread, but helpless to subdue my curiosity, I followed him.

He led me to a house not far away from Kevin’s, where a girl, who I’ll call Godzilla (giving her a human name would be giving her too much credit) was insolently waiting out on the front lawn.  When I look back on this scene now, I imagine Godzilla barefoot, wearing slutty cut-off jeans with the pockets hanging below the hem and a tight, white, midriff bustier which caused a roll of fat to peek out from between the shirt and the shorts, rudely smacking a piece of chewing gum, hand on hips, and looking at me with fiercely burning hatred and jealousy in her eyes. That’s the way I would cast the scene if I were making a movie, anyway… It may not be entirely accurate, because, I think this probably took place in early May and it would have been too cold to wear what I’ve described, but, I’m invoking artistic license here.

Her boyfriend, who I had followed to the house, was clearly upset and prompted Godzilla to tell me the “truth”, but she was obviously reluctant to talk to me, or, more specifically, to say anything bad about Kevin. Eventually she proceeded to, very disrespectfully; tell me about how she had been involved with Kevin off and on for years, and how Kevin had cheated on his previous girlfriend with her time and time again. Although I had never met her, it was apparent from her words that she knew all about me, and was none too happy to learn that I was dating Kevin. Finally, the boyfriend interjected and spoke directly to me, imploring me to run away as fast as I could from Kevin because Kevin was a cheater, pure and simple, and couldn’t keep his fly zipped when it came to Godzilla.

Of course, I became immediately defensive.  Kevin had already confessed to me what a bad boyfriend he had been to his previous girlfriend, and he had admitted, shamefacedly, to cheating on her almost from the beginning of their relationship. I patiently explained to Godzilla’s boyfriend (I had already decided that Godzilla wasn’t worth the DNA that she was made from, so I chose to ignore her existence), that, perhaps Kevin and Godzilla had been together in the past, and I was deeply sorry for him that she was cheating with Kevin, but that, I could assure him, any involvement between the two of them was now over, because Kevin and I were deeply in love. He looked at me with incredulity laced with pity, and wished me well.

I drove off, and tearfully called Kevin when I got home, demanding an explanation, but, really, longing to be comforted after this altercation and reassured that the hateful, awful, Godzilla was no longer a part of his life.  Kevin met both of those needs, and I actually apologized to him for doubting him…. Ugh… I wish I could go back and kick myself in the head.

Fast forward several years, twin babies, mountains of bills, and too many arguments to count later, and Kevin and Jillian’s marriage was on the rocks. Kevin had been caught with condoms in his car, girls’ phone numbers in his wallet, and suspicious charges for hotel rooms on the credit card statement. He always had an explanation, and, I wasn’t capable yet of taking care of myself and two children alone, and… I still loved Kevin. So, I stayed, but I was far from happy.

The Internet was a novelty, and AOL chat rooms and Myspace profiles were an unhappily married girl’s fantasy play- land. I was pouring my heart out to anonymous strangers, posting pictures on my page, and flirting with men on Craig’s List- my proudest years. I hadn’t yet become social media savvy and did not bother to implement privacy settings on Myspace, so I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised when I was confronted by Kevin about my on-line activities.  What did surprise me though, was that in the ensuing brawl that erupted, it came to light that Kevin’s knowledge about my on-line life did not come from his first- hand snooping, but that, rather, he had been tipped off by… Godzilla.

Unbeknownst to me, Kevin had maintained contact with her throughout our entire relationship.  They’d been carrying on a particularly juicy email correspondence for the last several months, and she had offered to spy on me for Kevin, so that he might use the information against me in our approaching divorce/ custody cases. Now, not only was Kevin confiding all of our marital woes to Godzilla, but, Godzilla was, of course spinning her own sob story to him- she also had young children and her husband was ill (cancer, I believe), and she was seeking solace in my husband. Nice girl, right?

Well, the divorce was final some time later, and I NEVER expected to hear Godzilla’s name again.

Which is why I almost passed out when, on a recent outing with the man I’ve been seeing (let’s call him Christian), and his ex-girlfriend, Nadia (that’s a whole other story), it came out that Christian and Nadia both know Godzilla.  In fact, Christian is Godzilla’s ex-boyfriend.  Do you see where this is going yet??

Christian, the man that I met right after I broke up with the married guy, and have been involved with for several months, turns out to have been the young man that pulled up beside me in the car all those years ago, trying to warn me away from Kevin.

I’m not sure if this is the red-flag of all red-flags, or if it’s a sign that our fates are intertwined and we’re destined to live happily ever after.

Psycho-Chicks and the Men that Create Them

Psycho-Chicks and the Men that Create ThemSo, it’s been awhile since I’ve written… I’m not sure if this post is going to be an angry rant, a simple story, a self-help guide, or some combination of all these, but I guess we’ll find out together.

 

First, let me say that the reasons I haven’t written lately have been numerous, but the overarching reason is simply that I needed to regroup after my last disaster. I got discouraged from writing, I think, because I was running with a group of bloggers that are touted as “dating experts” and, I think, I was embarrassed to admit that I don’t feel like an expert at all… In fact, I was sort of ashamed of one of my last posts that presumed to tell others how to spot fake dating profiles, since, as evidence, I posted a picture and told the story of the “wonderful man”- (aka the one that lied to me through every orifice)- that I was worried about driving away with my “psycho-girl” suspicions.

 

“Psycho-girl”…. We need to examine that concept for a moment. I’m a little concerned that women get stereotyped as drama-perpetuating psychos at every turn:

 

 

I watched this video as part of an article called “Crazy Bitches Giving Me a Bad Name” written by According to Jewels, and, like you, I absolutely laughed my ass off.  Of course, “JJ” comes across as bat-shit crazy, and maybe she truly is- but, in the age of Photoshop and digital- everything, it’s also possible that the interaction was edited/ taken out of context just enough to convince listeners that this girl was a certified Loony-Tune.  What if, however, “Kevin”, participated in the crazy? Is she still a psycho for calling 87 times in one night?  Probably. Unless, of course, Kevin baited her with lies and just enough attention to keep her on the hook.  What? A man playing games with a woman? That could never happen, right? But, I digress.

 

OK… got the angry rant out of the way… time to get to the story.

 

I met Jason (I’m not bothering to change his name… he doesn’t deserve the right to anonymity) on a site for single parents… Let me emphasize that fact- he was on a dating site strictly devoted to single parents- and we hit it off immediately.  I could hardly believe that there was someone out there that shared so many of my interests, wrote so eloquently, and was looking for exactly the same kind of partnership that I was. We wrote back and forth for weeks, exchanged numerous pictures, and had several telephone conversations. I kinda fell for him before we even met, and he assured me that the feeling was mutual.

 

When we met for the first time, all of my doubts that someone could find love on-line were washed away.  It was pretty much instantaneous- we were a couple.  In fact, I was so confident in our relationship that I pushed aside the little voice in my head that had been a little unsure about Jason- he had seemed to be evading meeting me face to face for a couple weeks and had canceled plans once or twice- but here he was, in the flesh, kissing me and telling me that I was the perfect woman for him.

 

Over the next several weeks, we had great dates, stayed in almost constant contact, bought little gifts for each other, made plans for an out-of-the- country vacation, met members of each other’s families and friends, and booked a weekend trip to Atlantic City. His mother friend-requested me on Facebook and we took his 4 year-old son to Chuckie Cheese together.  We went shopping together, cooked dinner together, and watched movies at my house together.

 

I was elated.  I had the relationship of my dreams and was happily planning our future.

 

And then… just as I was preparing to introduce Jason to my children, everything fell apart. I won’t recount every detail, but, through a series of unfortunate events (including cell phone snooping, faked food poisoning, and a Facebook meme confrontation), I found out that Jason had been lying to me from the very beginning and in more ways than I can recount. He was married.

 

He continued to lie about it for weeks after he was caught, and continued to torment me and make me doubt my sanity, until, finally I got my message across that he should not ever contact me again (I may have gone a little overboard: I not only cursed him, but his entire family… and his 4 year old son… I’m not proud of that, but, at least he stopped contacting me). In short, he was/ is a predator at best, and, perhaps, a full-fledged sociopath- and he fooled me hook, line, and sinker. Some dating expert I am.

 

They say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… and I think I used to believe that. But, the fact remains that, although, I’m still breathing, I feel weaker and damaged. Where I used to pride myself on giving people the benefit of the doubt, always believing that deep down, they were good, I now find myself only full of doubt, and ready to pounce on any inconsistency in any conversation. I feel insecure much more often than I ever have, and find myself seeking constant reassurance that the world is right-side up. I’m trying to squelch these insidiously suspicious thoughts for fear that if I don’t, I may end up a bright-red-lipstick-on-the-teeth, chain-smoking, twitchy spinster wearing a house dress and yelling obscenities at small children and puppies. Wonder if that qualifies me as a psycho-chick now?

 

P.S.  This isn’t actually the post that I wanted to write, because, I got right back on the horse and have been dating someone that I like a lot… but, before I can write about him, I had to get this one out of the way… so… wooo-saaaaa.  

Vote for Dating Disasters and Delights for Best Dating Blog

adult200niche200

Dear Readers,

I know I’ve been MIA for awhile, and upcoming blog posts will explain why and I hope you will all forgive me for taking some time off.

I think I’ve also decided to get back to my original purpose for writing this blog- which is pure entertainment and cheap self-help, haha, which means I will not be contributing to Single’s Warehouse as a SWEXPERT anymore.  I am very grateful to them for the opportunity that they gave me to share my writing with a wider spectrum of readers, but I know that getting back to writing exclusively for Dating Disasters and Delights is the best course for me.

Soooo….. I promise there will be some new posts coming soon.  In the meantime, Dating Disasters and Delights has been nominated for Best Adult Blog and Best Niche Award by Great Dating Blogs!!  Voting is open until June 30th, 2013…

Please use the links below to vote for me!!

http://www.greatdatingblogs.com/best-adult-dating-blog-2013-nominations/

http://www.greatdatingblogs.com/best-niche-blog-2013-nominations/