I want to thank Dating Diary of a City Girl for agreeing to guest post here. I hope you all enjoy her disasters!
Whether you admit it or not, you probably fell for the same guy more than once! In most cases that guy changes name, eye color, hair color, height, face features… but you have to admit: it’s still the same guy over and over again! There is nothing wrong with finding attractive some specific qualities on someone’s character which repeatedly attract us… however, what if we follow an unhealthy pattern in men?…
I would describe my ‘guy pattern’ with one word: unavailable!! Over the past five years I fell in love with two guys, who shared that feature in common! Now you would think that 2 guys are not enough to describe a pattern… but if you think about it again, it’s 5 years of my life wasted on men that I knew would never have anything to offer to me but I still fell for them. Nick was the ‘initiation’ of my pattern ( see Can you fall in love with two people at the same time? and Do we need to change to be in a relationship?) I knew from the very first moment that he was unavailable: he was much older, way too wrong for me and later on he had a girlfriend as well. I never intended on having anything serious with him of course, but that didn’t stop me from falling in love. I spent 2 and a half years hooked on him, madly in love and of course ended up heartbroken. Not long after things ended with Nick, with my heart still not fully mended I fell for Mat (see Just sex… or something more? And Will he ever leave his girlfriend for you?) Now with Mat, the story goes a bit differently. When Mat first started flirting with me, I wasn’t very willing to start anything with him, so we stopped contact for a few months. When he suddenly got in a relationship it was like a project for me: I had to have him. I started seeing him again, but not with a serious purpose. I needed to show myself that I was better than his girlfriend and I could have him. I am ashamed for my behavior, but there was something insatiable about being with him while he was with someone else. Not long after that of course I fell in love with him and the rest of our messed-up situation can be found on the above mentioned articles.
Somewhere between my heartbreak from Nick and finding out Mat was unavailable I suddenly realized my unhealthy pattern… unavailability! This is probably the worst pattern a woman can have in men: it is doomed before it even begins, it is unbelievably painful and ridiculously harsh on yourself as well. I put myself through the inexplicable, breath-taking pain of sharing my men and for what? For a stupid obsession, an outrageous ‘bet’ with myself: I can have something that I’m not meant to have! I never really understood what it was that attracted me on the unavailability of those two guys: was I so insecure that I desperately needed to prove myself that I could do it, or was I just so addicted to the exquisite pain that comes with loving someone so unavailable to me? Even though to this day I cannot answer this question for myself, and even though I still feel my heart is broken from my break up with Mat I know that ‘unavailable’ is definitely not something I will ever go after again. As much as I need to prove myself that I’m good enough for unavailable guys to choose me, it’s more important that I realize that I deserve better than that and stop my pattern cold!
There you have it, my unhealthy, heartbreaking, ridiculous pattern. So if you think you have an unhealthy pattern, you better sit down take a piece of paper and write down what all your past lovers have in common, figure out your pattern and put a stop to it. These things sneak up on you and unless you realize them and do something about them, you will go through the same pain for the same reason and keep going through heartbreak after heartbreak without realizing what went wrong!
What’s your pattern? Do you have one that’s similar to mine? Did you ever try to stop it? Or alternatively, do you have a healthy pattern that you followed and found someone that’s just perfect for you? Comment and let me know. Also, don’t forget to like my facebook page for the latest updates!